Dale T Phillips - Writer
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Jokes

 





 

Q. How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.

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A pregnant woman went into labor and yelled: "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"?

--She was having contractions.

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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

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Q. What's the difference between publishers and terrorists?

A. You can negotiate with terrorists.

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How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Ten.

1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.

2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.

3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.

4th draft. Lose the light bulb.

5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.

6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.

7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.

8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.

9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.

10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.

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Three guys are sitting at a bar.

#1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."

#2: "What do you do for a living?"

#1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?

#2: "I should clear $60,000 this year."

#1: "What do you do?"

#2: "I'm an architect."

The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.

#2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"

#3: "I guess about $13,000."

#1: "Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?"

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How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!

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How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why does it *have* to be changed?

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How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time, and met himself in the doorway, and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder, so they could reach it.

Then a major time paradox occurred, and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence.

They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

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A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.

"Give me a whiskey, and a beer for Tiny here."

"Why do you call him Tiny?"

"Because he's "'my newt'"...

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A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is--”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”

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A man died and found himself waiting in the long line of Judgement. He noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Pearly Gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit. But every so
often, instead of hurling a soul into the fire, Satan would toss it off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgement, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from New England this recent "Summer"...
They're still too wet to burn."

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A visitor to a university noticed the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for George Hemingway."

The visitor asked,"Was George Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Well, kind of," said his guide. "He wrote the check."

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A man wanted to become a great writer. Defining 'great,' he said,
"I want to write things that the whole world will read, things to make people react to on a truly emotional level, things that will make them scream, make them cry, make them howl in pain and rage!"

So he now works for a major software company, writing error messages.

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Dead Writer in afterlife, trying to decide to go to Heaven or Hell, after being shown a preview of both.

"But-- both places have suffering writers chained to desks in lakes of fire, with broken typewriters with sticky keys. What's the difference?"

St. Peter- "In Heaven, you get published..."

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Q- How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A- That reminds me of a funny story...

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